It's been a long time. A very, very long time. I think I deserved it, so fuck what you say. Ten years, I've fought this war, for ten long years. That's more than half of my life. That's the bulk of what I can remember of my past. That's basically who I am. So to finally have the strength to say "I feel good, I'm alive," to finally mean it and shout it out to the sun, well, that feels fucking good. I don't know if you've felt it, I don't know if you even know what I'm talking about. But hey, that's not why you're here. You're here to read about me. Me and me alone. Lemme soak up all that attention. Maybe something you read here will inspire or change you, or just depress the living fuck out of you. Ultimately, it's whatever you choose to make of it, I'm not your influence. You are your influence.
It's all been kind of a sudden. I just got to sitting around a basement after a late night stroll (bloody cold out there), talking with an old friend and a new face. And I don't know, I just kind of talked. A lot. Pretty sure I was going on for like 3, maybe 4 hours? Who knows, who cares. I let a lot go that night. A lot, so much I'm not even going to repeat it all here or really go into much more than the details. I'll say what I choose though, so this bit may be proven wrong later.
Family, sluttiness, drugs, relationships, stress, school, all of the above and so much more were such overarching parts of the evening that they all need a little elaboration. Pick and choose what you want to read, some you may not want to.
Family
Obviously, my family played a major role in my development - I kind of live and have lived with them for this so far. Rather important to mention. I'll be open and honest, and hopefully mature about this. While my family played a rather big role in being there, they were never THERE, if you get my meaning. I could never turn to them for help, or support, or questions, or answers. They kind of just ... existed, I'm not sure on the details, it's not hugely important to me though. I could never turn to them, which lead to a lot of my inability to perform the most basic functions required to properly integrate with society, and ultimately fit in. I can't blame them, though. It's not their fault they never knew how to parent. I'm not sure if having better parents would have made things better or not, but who can really say. I was raised how I was raised, no two ways about it.
Sluttiness
I'm not the town bicycle, I haven't slept with everyone and everything around me, but I've done it enough and for immoral enough reasons. I've laid my body out there, both physically and digitally, more times and for more people than I care to count or remember. I can't count my fucks, I can't count my pictures or videos. I'll leave it at that. Do I regret it? Some of it. It's just part of who I am.
Drugs
I've had my share, though they were definitely a relatively minor role in the whole situation.
Relationships
I've had some amazing ones and I've had some shit ones. I've had my heart stomped on and shattered, I've had it glorified and patched up, I've been cheated on, I've cheated. It's all a series of decisions and circumstances I ultimately made or had a choice in, it's just a part of my past. At my current point in life, I'm not seeking, but I won't pass up a good apple if it comes my way eh?
Stress/school
Combined! Because I can. Fuck off. I'm not in school, just drowning in debt from it. I'm not really stressed about much, I can handle what's thrown at me for now. We'll see where life goes.
Yeah, back to the main shit, FINALLY.
Okay, done rambling about stupid things no one really cares about, yeah? I'm really proud of myself. Even if I had a little help, a nudging out the front door if you will, I managed to talk about a lot of what is constantly plauging my mind, and in the process, let it go. The past isn't killing me as much as it was, it's managable again, I'm really doing a lot better than I was. I finally won a battle. Now it's a long uphill fight to win the war. But the war's never over, so I'll take battles one at a time, let's do this shit.
"You can't wait for the sun to rise, you'll never know until you try, we make mistakes and learn in time, we all grow old, we live we die." - Don't Wait by Hit The Lights
What could my parents have done differently? Are these feelings normal? Did they mess up or was it all me? Kids are supposed to grow up and leave, so why am I still here? Is that what I need? To leave? But they're the only real life people I interact with any regularity. Well besides my classmates, but I don't ever talk to them except about school.
ReplyDeleteWhy don't I have friends? Everyone else makes friends so fast. They make it seem so easy. Maybe it's not. Maybe they're just hiding the pain as well as I do. "Nothing phases you," someone once said. Wrong. I just don't let you know.
Am I lovable? Can I love? There is only one person I hang out with I'm not using. But really I just use him to take the guilt away. I treat everyone like pawns. I don't know how not to. But I really want to be able to have a relationship. To trust someone. I've never trusted anyone. No one knows my likes, my dislikes, my dreams, my fears. No one knows me.
Correction: I've trusted one but she left.
There is no one like me out there. No one who enjoys what I enjoy. No one to share my deepest thoughts with. Is that because of me? For so long I deceived myself that I could live alone. Did that person slip past me?
What if this is life? This is the way things are supposed to be? The norm is pain and loneliness punctuated by little spells of laughter. Why don't I have the answers for me? I always have the answers for everyone else.
Ugh... So much about me; so little about others. What if life isn't about me? What else could it be about?
Okay, enough emo //wrist crap. Time to bury myself in school work. Kay, I hope you find some answers in this mindless dribble. But I make no promises.
If someone had told me growing up was so hard, maybe I wouldn't have decided to be born.
Believe it or not, you can trust me. Even if you wish to remain anonymous.
ReplyDeleteGee, tracking my IP. So trustworthy. I guess it’s a risk I accept when I’m too lazy to use a proxy.
ReplyDeleteI trust everyone. I trust the cashier to ring up my purchases correctly. I trust my mechanic to tune my car right. I trust you to be yourself which is an unknown quantity to me.
But… this blog surprised me in many ways. The persona you project elsewhere is very different. Perhaps I am naive or oblivious; social skills are not my strong point. Either way you are very different than the person I had convinced myself you were. Enough so I’m not sure who you are.
I don’t know why I commented on your blog. In retrospect it was very random, impulsive… perhaps a mistake. Revealing myself is something I’ve never done. I don’t know why I did. I’m controlling, deliberate, reserved. My cards are always held close to my chest.
Perhaps that’s why I hesitate to trust. There are so many unknown variables. So many things I don’t know. There’s not a contingency for every possibility because I don’t know all the possibilities. I take comfort in math. It’s cold logic. There is always an answer or at least a set of known possible answers.
I’ve read most of the rest of your blogs. I never thought you’d be capable of that. Of course I’ve never been there before. I’ve always thought death is worse than living. I don’t really know you either but we already established that.
Your dreams are interesting. Just a word of caution: your dreams are you speaking to yourself. Don’t trust them. Don’t do what they say. But use them to understand, skeptically, yourself. My dreams have all had the same theme since I was a young teenager: running; always running. And always caught only to realize I’m not the one their after. Not the one they really care about. Sometimes they knock me unconscious; other times I’m tortured; a few times killed. But in every dream I’m running from people who want to hurt me, not because of who I am, but because of who I’m with or what I believe. So glad my dreaming persona has friends, but he should seriously get new ones.
Okay, I’ll stop co-opting your blog for my rambles. School is beckoning once more. Talking about me, and not my accomplishments, with someone else isn’t something I do. Even revealing an online persona seems too vulnerable. But I look forward to your next post.
Also, care to explain the emergency room?
One last thing… "south Tennessee" made me laugh. It's like saying, “I live in West California.” Tennessee is East, Middle, or West. But thanks for not posting my city for all to see.
I didn't track your IP. I have Google Analytics. I can't get your IP address or identity, just your city. I went with "South Tennessee" because it's on the southern part and I do not know Tennessee.
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome to ramble here. And the 'me' I project is who I am, this is just the darker side. I'm too tired for a novel, sorry.
Sorry about jumping to conclusions. It's something I do a lot unfortunately. I'm not out to anyone yet and I'm very defensive when it comes to anything that could lead to my identity. I also now have another reason to hate Google.
ReplyDeleteWho are you? I don't know. I had thought you were and bottomless well of self-confidence. I was mistaken. I'm not accusing you of deception, just surprise.
Note to self: read your milkie thread before posting here. Something happened. Then it was resolved...? Or did you just move on?
I wish people could be trusted. I take it your edit was in response to the succeeding post (which you also edited). I always tell myself I don't need to trust, but at the same time I'm drawn to it. I want to but I can't.
I'll be one of those wimps and not post it on the thread but *hug*. I hope you find the strength to get through this and move on to better things. In some way I hope I'm helping.
I should really get a name other than anonymous; things could get confusing. So for any further comments I'll call myself Gilbert.
Gilbert, feel free to add me on Skype - even under an anonymous user. It's far more convenient for us to have a more private conversation and keep this from the prying eyes of Google.
ReplyDeleteJust saw the skype thing. I'll send a request tomorrow since it's late and I have to get up early. Hope everything has been well with you.
ReplyDelete