Fresh Snow

Not literally, it's the middle of the summer. The two posts before are imported from my old blog because they're still relevant. All of the past is still relevant, but these are the only two I want to share with the world. Not that the world is going to read.

I decided it was about time for a reset, a refresh, a fresh coat of paint (or layer of snow), if you will. Not a time for change, for it's always a time for change. This time it is about a new perspective. Times have changed, over a year has gone by since I first started blogging on my other page. A lot has happened, some good, some bad. As per usual, I undermine the good and blow the bad out of proportion. But as of the past month, there's been a lot more than usual. More than I'm used to. You get the picture.

Now I sit here and watch as people walk out of my life on a near-daily basis. I watch as everything I've built is demolished with me riding it down to the last. I watch as the shell I've so meticulously crafted is shattered and broken by the hearts of those I crafted it for and with. The very foundation of who I am, shaken to the ground and trampled, trapped under the roof of my own fortress.

But I'm rambling. As for the blog. I felt that "Snow Globe" was an appropriate name. First and foremost, it's the title I gave one of my less-old songs (I say less-old because it isn't recent but it's one of the more recently written ones. I don't write much anymore.), which just happens to be one of my more powerful and realistic/true songs. It's also the symbolism. A snow globe is just a toy, yes, but it means a lot. A snow globe is a peaceful, secure, simple, snow-blanketed utopia, forever trapped in the daily cycle of uncontrolled snow fall and encased in a glass ball.

Those damn little glass balls, worth so little but meaning so much. I chose "Snow Globe" for the song because of the symbolism and the connection. How much of our lives do we really control, and how much is about the other people, i.e. the ones that shake up the snow? Another question without answers for the history books. "Trapped in the damn glass ball, life goes on until we fall." It's overly-dramatic and meaningless but oddly true. One day the ball breaks and our utopia is laying shattered on the floor, the stark and utter horror and shocking jolt of reality surprising and scaring us.

There's only so much we can take in at a single time, devoting all our attention to rebuilding this shell lest we ourselves are destroyed. There are only so many distractions we can handle, only so many diversions from our goal of being safe and secure from the world. A broken security only time can fix, if it can be fully fixed at all. Snow globes are glass, and glass does not mend well. How many times before the shell is forever broken and you're left unsheltered and exposed to reality? How many times can you lose utopia?

There's a reason for all this. Today marks the fourth week since Alex died. 13th June, 2010. A death I still haven't forgiven myself for. A death that still haunts my head whether I'm awake or asleep. It's torture. I still dream you'll come back some day, that you'll wake up and see the morning. The morning you promised me you'd see, and that I was foolish enough to not let you.

I think we'll talk about Time next time. Time sounds like a good subject. Now to follow my tradition of ending with a quote from a song, or a poem, or a story, or something else I feel like quoting...

"Four weeks of breath we didn't deserve, being alive is the sentence we serve. Our lives in a snow globe have shattered and cracked, we're left alone on this one-way track."  - Endless Breath by Self