If there's one thing that I've learned very well over the past few years, it is that I am incredibly good at getting in my own way. In every aspect of my life I am horrendously incapable of doing the simple fact of not only pushing myself, but not pushing myself back. I want to rip this knot in my stomach out. It needs to leave me alone.
Other people have their own fucking lives that I do not control and I have no say over, why do I get so upset over the little things?
Why do I have to like people, and then waste my time worrying over stupid little things? It drives everyone away. I'm that horrid person that doesn't let you leave the house or talk to other people because I'm afraid something might happen to you, or I'm afraid you might do something, and I just can't trust you or Chance to fucking make me happy. Why am I so hellbent on relying on other people to make or break my mood? I am myself, I am my own man, other people influence but do not dictate my smile so why do people dictate my frown, dictate this knot, dictate the racing thoughts "What if he dies, what if he fucks, what if he does this." I mean, fuck, we've never met, we're not dating, hell we hardly even know each other and I get so stupidly broken over anyone having a life or friends that doesn't involve me and me.
I shouldn't let myself do this to me. I'm tired of beating myself up and bleeding over things I can't change. I need to get up, outta my own way, make room for me and make room for you to be you. There's no leash in site, you don't own me and I don't own you, it's unreasonable of me to ask you to change who you are to suit me.
This is why I'll die alone.
"I am not the person that I thought that I would be, I keep tripping over myself." Ali For Cody by Senses Fail
One of the things I've notice about myself is how I blow up over little things (e.g. the idiot who took up two parking spots) but the big things I... I don't know. People say I act like the big things don't matter. I'm not sure why. Maybe when something big happens I'm to caught up trying to fix it to be mad. Maybe I'm trying to hide how weak and powerless I am. How little control I actually have over all the things that affect my life.
ReplyDeleteMaybe that's why I don't let people get too close. It's something I can't control. It's like handing a weapon to someone and hoping they never turn it on you. I don't take chances like that. And when I do I always screw things up. By not including me in everything, I think you don't want me in anything. Maybe I'm selfish. I know that's not what it means. I'm not supposed to be there 24/7. But that's what I think. And I end up pulling myself back because I think that's what they want.
And in the end I'm all alone.