Sometimes I want to pick everything up and chuck it out the second story window, watching it shatter into a million little pieces as it connects with the concrete. Just get rid of everything that makes me who I am and destroy my life, just to see who I become. Abandon everyone and everything I've ever loved or care about...
Just leave Skype. Tinychat. Milkboys. MSN. MyYearbook. Facebook. Doublevision. Everything. Just get rid of everyone and build anew or die trying. Probably die, to be honest. I'd die just to leave everything sometimes. I grow incredibly weary of getting hurt. I know life certainly is not fair, I've known that for years now, but sometimes I wish I'd just get what I wanted, just once. A release, an escape, a solution. Someone fix me.
I don't know why I continue to do it. Why I continue to get close to people or let them get close to me. It's fucked me over, every single time, without fail. I'm no longer sure why I even give myself the opportunity to do it, I could very easily throw away everything and just let no one close again, I could do what I've wanted to do for years. I could finally be honest with myself and just keep the fucking fortress gates closed instead of opening them when I pretend they're barred shut. Fuck everyone.
Sometimes I really feel like everyone exists just to find some way to hurt me. Hey, listen the fuck up, even my heart can only take so much. I'm tired of it being in pieces. Tape it up or leave it the fuck alone. I don't have the strength left to keep fighting to keep it whole with all these holes.
I really should get rid of it all. Pack my bags and leave. I want to so badly, but I can't, but fuck it. Leaving shouldn't be my choice. Getting rid of everyone who hurts me should be, get rid of everything that I don't need to be a part of me. I never learned to let go, or move on. I can't let go of people I was close to a month ago, a year ago, last decade, whenever. I can't forgive people for wronging me, even all the way back to when I could hardly even talk properly. I can't stop thinking "Where are they now?" to everyone who meant something in my past. Fuck it.
I shouldn't love, I shouldn't trust, I shouldn't care, I shouldn't lust, I shouldn't want, I shouldn't get jealous, I shouldn't desire, I shouldn't crave, I shouldn't be attracted to, I shouldn't let myself get hurt.
I hate my heart.
Self-loathing. Drugs. Sex. Self-injury. Hatred. Anger. Wars. Depression. Suicide. Loss. Pain. Hurt. Inability to cope. Failure. Anxiety. Loneliness. Punctuations of what I used to be, what I still am, and what is probably coming. Fuck me.
"So take me out, 'cause I'm a mess when I'm alone, and if anyone can help, I'm losing it, so this one goes out to all you love-struck fools, I've got news for you, I know a thing or two on giving up. To all you heartless souls, I think it's best you know, I play the leading roll on giving up." - The Simple Act Of Giving Up by Ice Nine Kills
I hate school. An unending stream of useless crap you have to do in order to "succeed" in life. I hate it, I want to quit, but...
ReplyDeleteEvery once in a while school does you something good. Something amazing that changes your life. So I stick with it, hoping that one of those things happen again.
And that was March for me. Started out sucky, took a turn for the worse, but last week was life changing. I feel more alive then I've been in years. I feel on top of the world.
But yet something is still missing. The same thing I've always been missing. You say you shouldn't love or trust or care but yet you do. I say you should love, trust, and care but I don't. You want to give everything up. I don't have anything to give up.
I'm lonely, always lonely. No one to share my dreams, celebrate my victories, help me through my defeats. And so I feel on top of the world and yet wonder why anyone would want to be here.
I see others being hurt, hurting others, backstabbing, crying. I see broken relationships, hurt feelings, regrets... but I envy them. All the pain they think hurts so much seems fleeting to me compared to those precious moments of love and joy. And I want that. I want to experience it so badly.
It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
I envy you Kay; even with all your pain.