It's been a long time. A very, very long time. I think I deserved it, so fuck what you say. Ten years, I've fought this war, for ten long years. That's more than half of my life. That's the bulk of what I can remember of my past. That's basically who I am. So to finally have the strength to say "I feel good, I'm alive," to finally mean it and shout it out to the sun, well, that feels fucking good. I don't know if you've felt it, I don't know if you even know what I'm talking about. But hey, that's not why you're here. You're here to read about me. Me and me alone. Lemme soak up all that attention. Maybe something you read here will inspire or change you, or just depress the living fuck out of you. Ultimately, it's whatever you choose to make of it, I'm not your influence. You are your influence.
It's all been kind of a sudden. I just got to sitting around a basement after a late night stroll (bloody cold out there), talking with an old friend and a new face. And I don't know, I just kind of talked. A lot. Pretty sure I was going on for like 3, maybe 4 hours? Who knows, who cares. I let a lot go that night. A lot, so much I'm not even going to repeat it all here or really go into much more than the details. I'll say what I choose though, so this bit may be proven wrong later.
Family, sluttiness, drugs, relationships, stress, school, all of the above and so much more were such overarching parts of the evening that they all need a little elaboration. Pick and choose what you want to read, some you may not want to.
Family
Obviously, my family played a major role in my development - I kind of live and have lived with them for this so far. Rather important to mention. I'll be open and honest, and hopefully mature about this. While my family played a rather big role in being there, they were never THERE, if you get my meaning. I could never turn to them for help, or support, or questions, or answers. They kind of just ... existed, I'm not sure on the details, it's not hugely important to me though. I could never turn to them, which lead to a lot of my inability to perform the most basic functions required to properly integrate with society, and ultimately fit in. I can't blame them, though. It's not their fault they never knew how to parent. I'm not sure if having better parents would have made things better or not, but who can really say. I was raised how I was raised, no two ways about it.
Sluttiness
I'm not the town bicycle, I haven't slept with everyone and everything around me, but I've done it enough and for immoral enough reasons. I've laid my body out there, both physically and digitally, more times and for more people than I care to count or remember. I can't count my fucks, I can't count my pictures or videos. I'll leave it at that. Do I regret it? Some of it. It's just part of who I am.
Drugs
I've had my share, though they were definitely a relatively minor role in the whole situation.
Relationships
I've had some amazing ones and I've had some shit ones. I've had my heart stomped on and shattered, I've had it glorified and patched up, I've been cheated on, I've cheated. It's all a series of decisions and circumstances I ultimately made or had a choice in, it's just a part of my past. At my current point in life, I'm not seeking, but I won't pass up a good apple if it comes my way eh?
Stress/school
Combined! Because I can. Fuck off. I'm not in school, just drowning in debt from it. I'm not really stressed about much, I can handle what's thrown at me for now. We'll see where life goes.
Yeah, back to the main shit, FINALLY.
Okay, done rambling about stupid things no one really cares about, yeah? I'm really proud of myself. Even if I had a little help, a nudging out the front door if you will, I managed to talk about a lot of what is constantly plauging my mind, and in the process, let it go. The past isn't killing me as much as it was, it's managable again, I'm really doing a lot better than I was. I finally won a battle. Now it's a long uphill fight to win the war. But the war's never over, so I'll take battles one at a time, let's do this shit.
"You can't wait for the sun to rise, you'll never know until you try, we make mistakes and learn in time, we all grow old, we live we die." - Don't Wait by Hit The Lights
