Exhaustion.

I'll be honest when I say it and just throw it out there, I'm tired. But we'll see how it goes.

My sleep has sucked, for lack of a better word. Better than some, less than it should be. Few hours a night. Manageable. Less than ideal, but manageable. I can function, that's what matters. Oh, for those that don't know, I'm on a rather ... unfamiliar work schedule for the next few weeks. I love it. I work from the morning until mid-late afternoon every weekday, I have the weekends off...

I feel normal. It's the structure I've been missing. The routine. The punch card. I've never wanted these things. I need them, though. I'm not unhappy with it. I don't have enough time to myself to be unhappy with it. I do my best to spend my weekends out with friends. It's working for me. I've filled the last two weekends, which is something I haven't done in a long while, except for with drugs. It's changing parts of who I am. While it makes my body sore and doesn't pay all that well, it's still something. I'm content, for lack of a better word.

But you (a.k.a. no one) don't come here to learn about my work schedule, you come to read about my inane emo whining. So I'll go with it.

I miss {your name here}. Life isn't the same without you. Read my older stuff? "Everyone has an irreplaceable spot in your life, a hole that will never again be filled when they inevitably leave you." There are so many holes left, now. I'll write out the names of everyone I miss, dead or alive, whether or not we still talk, in a later post. For now you're stuck guessing. You'll always be guessing.

I love you all.

This post went entirely off track. That's what I get for taking a week.

Throw it all away.

Sometimes I want to pick everything up and chuck it out the second story window, watching it shatter into a million little pieces as it connects with the concrete. Just get rid of everything that makes me who I am and destroy my life, just to see who I become. Abandon everyone and everything I've ever loved or care about...

Just leave Skype. Tinychat. Milkboys. MSN. MyYearbook. Facebook. Doublevision. Everything. Just get rid of everyone and build anew or die trying. Probably die, to be honest. I'd die just to leave everything sometimes. I grow incredibly weary of getting hurt. I know life certainly is not fair, I've known that for years now, but sometimes I wish I'd just get what I wanted, just once. A release, an escape, a solution. Someone fix me.

I don't know why I continue to do it. Why I continue to get close to people or let them get close to me. It's fucked me over, every single time, without fail. I'm no longer sure why I even give myself the opportunity to do it, I could very easily throw away everything and just let no one close again, I could do what I've wanted to do for years. I could finally be honest with myself and just keep the fucking fortress gates closed instead of opening them when I pretend they're barred shut. Fuck everyone.

Sometimes I really feel like everyone exists just to find some way to hurt me. Hey, listen the fuck up, even my heart can only take so much. I'm tired of it being in pieces. Tape it up or leave it the fuck alone. I don't have the strength left to keep fighting to keep it whole with all these holes.

I really should get rid of it all. Pack my bags and leave. I want to so badly, but I can't, but fuck it. Leaving shouldn't be my choice. Getting rid of everyone who hurts me should be, get rid of everything that I don't need to be a part of me. I never learned to let go, or move on. I can't let go of people I was close to a month ago, a year ago, last decade, whenever. I can't forgive people for wronging me, even all the way back to when I could hardly even talk properly. I can't stop thinking "Where are they now?" to everyone who meant something in my past. Fuck it.

I shouldn't love, I shouldn't trust, I shouldn't care, I shouldn't lust, I shouldn't want, I shouldn't get jealous, I shouldn't desire, I shouldn't crave, I shouldn't be attracted to, I shouldn't let myself get hurt.

I hate my heart.

Self-loathing. Drugs. Sex. Self-injury. Hatred. Anger. Wars. Depression. Suicide. Loss. Pain. Hurt. Inability to cope. Failure. Anxiety. Loneliness. Punctuations of what I used to be, what I still am, and what is probably coming. Fuck me.

"So take me out, 'cause I'm a mess when I'm alone, and if anyone can help, I'm losing it, so this one goes out to all you love-struck fools, I've got news for you, I know a thing or two on giving up. To all you heartless souls, I think it's best you know, I play the leading roll on giving up." - The Simple Act Of Giving Up by Ice Nine Kills