Acknowledged.

It seems that a random thought yesterday whilst working finally made some shit click - just a few more puzzle pieces put together. And I remember that day like it was yesterday. I remember walking into that room, getting padded up like everyone else, then having people kick the shit out of me for half an hour. I stood there crying, waiting for someone to notice, someone to care. No one did. Then he came up to me, as I was with someone from my own class, and she asks what's wrong, and he says I'm fighting my own battle, and that she needs to not care about it. She needs to keep living for herself and not care about me. He told me to dry my tears and get on with it. And I did. And ever since that day I've avoided tears like the plague, and I've ignored my physical pain, and I've hid emotional pain, and I've buried psychological pain, and I've learned to fight back.

And I walked away with two very important lessons that day - when you're knocked down, you suck it up, stand the fuck back up and knock everyone else down. And I learned that no one cares about your tears. Your problems are your own. You're alone.

It's been good lately. Real good. Lonely, these past few weeks, waiting to see the boyfriend again. Can't wait, I really need it.

Fuck.

"You're the only one who feels so lonely."

I'm pretty terrified, in all honesty. I'm afraid I won't remember how to live, or why I'm living. I'm afraid of saying "Everything's complicated right now, but maybe next year" until there's no more years left. I'm afraid I'll avoid people until there's no one left. I'm afraid that I'll fall for all the wrong people for all the wrong reasons until I don't have any other choice.

I'm afraid of myself.

Vacation's coming up. I'm seeing quite a few people. And I already know how it's going to end. It's going to be so fucking bittersweet and perfectly broken. Yeah the cover's pretty but the pages are torn and tattered. I can't help but feel that the entire thing might be one huge mistake. But I'm going to make it, because I don't have any other fucking choice. There's no turning back now, I just have to deal with damage control. Boy that's fun, right?

I grow incredibly weary of picking up the pieces and trying to start anew. Day in and day out I'm still finding memories and reminders of what I once had and what I've lost, and I've come to learn that I am never getting it back and it can never be replaced. That hole can never be filled. I see these half-forgotten memories in every corner of this fucking room. Even though I've changed everything about it. Even though I've moved my bed, I've moved my desk, I've rearranged some shit, I got rid of the second bed, I cleaned the hell up, I try to stay on top of things instead of letting them pile up because I'm so fucking lazy. I still leave a bottle of water with a little left over because I always felt like an asshole for finishing them. I always listen to the songs you used to play on YouTube. I need to get out and go on, move if I have to, burn this place to the fucking ground if I don't have any other choice.

I need to get you out of my head. Off of my bed. Without you around, I feel rather dead. And it's been six fucking months. And I still can't go for anyone else. I can't fall for anyone the way I should. I haven't learned to trust, and I don't want to damage people the way I've damaged everyone else. I don't want to make all the same mistakes over and over again just because of one fucking person ruining my ability to take anyone honestly. If I have a flaw, it's my cynicism. I sincerely apologise for that, it's incredibly unfair to everyone. I don't want to let go.

I'm really fucked up, aren't I?

Trip yourself.

If there's one thing that I've learned very well over the past few years, it is that I am incredibly good at getting in my own way. In every aspect of my life I am horrendously incapable of doing the simple fact of not only pushing myself, but not pushing myself back. I want to rip this knot in my stomach out. It needs to leave me alone.

Other people have their own fucking lives that I do not control and I have no say over, why do I get so upset over the little things?

Why do I have to like people, and then waste my time worrying over stupid little things? It drives everyone away. I'm that horrid person that doesn't let you leave the house or talk to other people because I'm afraid something might happen to you, or I'm afraid you might do something, and I just can't trust you or Chance to fucking make me happy. Why am I so hellbent on relying on other people to make or break my mood? I am myself, I am my own man, other people influence but do not dictate my smile so why do people dictate my frown, dictate this knot, dictate the racing thoughts "What if he dies, what if he fucks, what if he does this." I mean, fuck, we've never met, we're not dating, hell we hardly even know each other and I get so stupidly broken over anyone having a life or friends that doesn't involve me and me.

I shouldn't let myself do this to me. I'm tired of beating myself up and bleeding over things I can't change. I need to get up, outta my own way, make room for me and make room for you to be you. There's no leash in site, you don't own me and I don't own you, it's unreasonable of me to ask you to change who you are to suit me.

This is why I'll die alone.

"I am not the person that I thought that I would be, I keep tripping over myself." Ali For Cody by Senses Fail

Exhaustion.

I'll be honest when I say it and just throw it out there, I'm tired. But we'll see how it goes.

My sleep has sucked, for lack of a better word. Better than some, less than it should be. Few hours a night. Manageable. Less than ideal, but manageable. I can function, that's what matters. Oh, for those that don't know, I'm on a rather ... unfamiliar work schedule for the next few weeks. I love it. I work from the morning until mid-late afternoon every weekday, I have the weekends off...

I feel normal. It's the structure I've been missing. The routine. The punch card. I've never wanted these things. I need them, though. I'm not unhappy with it. I don't have enough time to myself to be unhappy with it. I do my best to spend my weekends out with friends. It's working for me. I've filled the last two weekends, which is something I haven't done in a long while, except for with drugs. It's changing parts of who I am. While it makes my body sore and doesn't pay all that well, it's still something. I'm content, for lack of a better word.

But you (a.k.a. no one) don't come here to learn about my work schedule, you come to read about my inane emo whining. So I'll go with it.

I miss {your name here}. Life isn't the same without you. Read my older stuff? "Everyone has an irreplaceable spot in your life, a hole that will never again be filled when they inevitably leave you." There are so many holes left, now. I'll write out the names of everyone I miss, dead or alive, whether or not we still talk, in a later post. For now you're stuck guessing. You'll always be guessing.

I love you all.

This post went entirely off track. That's what I get for taking a week.

Throw it all away.

Sometimes I want to pick everything up and chuck it out the second story window, watching it shatter into a million little pieces as it connects with the concrete. Just get rid of everything that makes me who I am and destroy my life, just to see who I become. Abandon everyone and everything I've ever loved or care about...

Just leave Skype. Tinychat. Milkboys. MSN. MyYearbook. Facebook. Doublevision. Everything. Just get rid of everyone and build anew or die trying. Probably die, to be honest. I'd die just to leave everything sometimes. I grow incredibly weary of getting hurt. I know life certainly is not fair, I've known that for years now, but sometimes I wish I'd just get what I wanted, just once. A release, an escape, a solution. Someone fix me.

I don't know why I continue to do it. Why I continue to get close to people or let them get close to me. It's fucked me over, every single time, without fail. I'm no longer sure why I even give myself the opportunity to do it, I could very easily throw away everything and just let no one close again, I could do what I've wanted to do for years. I could finally be honest with myself and just keep the fucking fortress gates closed instead of opening them when I pretend they're barred shut. Fuck everyone.

Sometimes I really feel like everyone exists just to find some way to hurt me. Hey, listen the fuck up, even my heart can only take so much. I'm tired of it being in pieces. Tape it up or leave it the fuck alone. I don't have the strength left to keep fighting to keep it whole with all these holes.

I really should get rid of it all. Pack my bags and leave. I want to so badly, but I can't, but fuck it. Leaving shouldn't be my choice. Getting rid of everyone who hurts me should be, get rid of everything that I don't need to be a part of me. I never learned to let go, or move on. I can't let go of people I was close to a month ago, a year ago, last decade, whenever. I can't forgive people for wronging me, even all the way back to when I could hardly even talk properly. I can't stop thinking "Where are they now?" to everyone who meant something in my past. Fuck it.

I shouldn't love, I shouldn't trust, I shouldn't care, I shouldn't lust, I shouldn't want, I shouldn't get jealous, I shouldn't desire, I shouldn't crave, I shouldn't be attracted to, I shouldn't let myself get hurt.

I hate my heart.

Self-loathing. Drugs. Sex. Self-injury. Hatred. Anger. Wars. Depression. Suicide. Loss. Pain. Hurt. Inability to cope. Failure. Anxiety. Loneliness. Punctuations of what I used to be, what I still am, and what is probably coming. Fuck me.

"So take me out, 'cause I'm a mess when I'm alone, and if anyone can help, I'm losing it, so this one goes out to all you love-struck fools, I've got news for you, I know a thing or two on giving up. To all you heartless souls, I think it's best you know, I play the leading roll on giving up." - The Simple Act Of Giving Up by Ice Nine Kills

Existence is futile, you've gotta live.

It's been a long time. A very, very long time. I think I deserved it, so fuck what you say. Ten years, I've fought this war, for ten long years. That's more than half of my life. That's the bulk of what I can remember of my past. That's basically who I am. So to finally have the strength to say "I feel good, I'm alive," to finally mean it and shout it out to the sun, well, that feels fucking good. I don't know if you've felt it, I don't know if you even know what I'm talking about. But hey, that's not why you're here. You're here to read about me. Me and me alone. Lemme soak up all that attention. Maybe something you read here will inspire or change you, or just depress the living fuck out of you. Ultimately, it's whatever you choose to make of it, I'm not your influence. You are your influence.

It's all been kind of a sudden. I just got to sitting around a basement after a late night stroll (bloody cold out there), talking with an old friend and a new face. And I don't know, I just kind of talked. A lot. Pretty sure I was going on for like 3, maybe 4 hours? Who knows, who cares. I let a lot go that night. A lot, so much I'm not even going to repeat it all here or really go into much more than the details. I'll say what I choose though, so this bit may be proven wrong later.

Family, sluttiness, drugs, relationships, stress, school, all of the above and so much more were such overarching parts of the evening that they all need a little elaboration. Pick and choose what you want to read, some you may not want to.

Family
Obviously, my family played a major role in my development - I kind of live and have lived with them for this so far. Rather important to mention. I'll be open and honest, and hopefully mature about this. While my family played a rather big role in being there, they were never THERE, if you get my meaning. I could never turn to them for help, or support, or questions, or answers. They kind of just ... existed, I'm not sure on the details, it's not hugely important to me though. I could never turn to them, which lead to a lot of my inability to perform the most basic functions required to properly integrate with society, and ultimately fit in. I can't blame them, though. It's not their fault they never knew how to parent. I'm not sure if having better parents would have made things better or not, but who can really say. I was raised how I was raised, no two ways about it.

Sluttiness
I'm not the town bicycle, I haven't slept with everyone and everything around me, but I've done it enough and for immoral enough reasons. I've laid my body out there, both physically and digitally, more times and for more people than I care to count or remember. I can't count my fucks, I can't count my pictures or videos. I'll leave it at that. Do I regret it? Some of it. It's just part of who I am.

Drugs
I've had my share, though they were definitely a relatively minor role in the whole situation.

Relationships
I've had some amazing ones and I've had some shit ones. I've had my heart stomped on and shattered, I've had it glorified and patched up, I've been cheated on, I've cheated. It's all a series of decisions and circumstances I ultimately made or had a choice in, it's just a part of my past. At my current point in life, I'm not seeking, but I won't pass up a good apple if it comes my way eh?

Stress/school
Combined! Because I can. Fuck off. I'm not in school, just drowning in debt from it. I'm not really stressed about much, I can handle what's thrown at me for now. We'll see where life goes.

Yeah, back to the main shit, FINALLY.

Okay, done rambling about stupid things no one really cares about, yeah? I'm really proud of myself. Even if I had a little help, a nudging out the front door if you will, I managed to talk about a lot of what is constantly plauging my mind, and in the process, let it go. The past isn't killing me as much as it was, it's managable again, I'm really doing a lot better than I was. I finally won a battle. Now it's a long uphill fight to win the war. But the war's never over, so I'll take battles one at a time, let's do this shit.

"You can't wait for the sun to rise, you'll never know until you try, we make mistakes and learn in time, we all grow old, we live we die." - Don't Wait by Hit The Lights