"You're the only one who feels so lonely."

I'm pretty terrified, in all honesty. I'm afraid I won't remember how to live, or why I'm living. I'm afraid of saying "Everything's complicated right now, but maybe next year" until there's no more years left. I'm afraid I'll avoid people until there's no one left. I'm afraid that I'll fall for all the wrong people for all the wrong reasons until I don't have any other choice.

I'm afraid of myself.

Vacation's coming up. I'm seeing quite a few people. And I already know how it's going to end. It's going to be so fucking bittersweet and perfectly broken. Yeah the cover's pretty but the pages are torn and tattered. I can't help but feel that the entire thing might be one huge mistake. But I'm going to make it, because I don't have any other fucking choice. There's no turning back now, I just have to deal with damage control. Boy that's fun, right?

I grow incredibly weary of picking up the pieces and trying to start anew. Day in and day out I'm still finding memories and reminders of what I once had and what I've lost, and I've come to learn that I am never getting it back and it can never be replaced. That hole can never be filled. I see these half-forgotten memories in every corner of this fucking room. Even though I've changed everything about it. Even though I've moved my bed, I've moved my desk, I've rearranged some shit, I got rid of the second bed, I cleaned the hell up, I try to stay on top of things instead of letting them pile up because I'm so fucking lazy. I still leave a bottle of water with a little left over because I always felt like an asshole for finishing them. I always listen to the songs you used to play on YouTube. I need to get out and go on, move if I have to, burn this place to the fucking ground if I don't have any other choice.

I need to get you out of my head. Off of my bed. Without you around, I feel rather dead. And it's been six fucking months. And I still can't go for anyone else. I can't fall for anyone the way I should. I haven't learned to trust, and I don't want to damage people the way I've damaged everyone else. I don't want to make all the same mistakes over and over again just because of one fucking person ruining my ability to take anyone honestly. If I have a flaw, it's my cynicism. I sincerely apologise for that, it's incredibly unfair to everyone. I don't want to let go.

I'm really fucked up, aren't I?

Trip yourself.

If there's one thing that I've learned very well over the past few years, it is that I am incredibly good at getting in my own way. In every aspect of my life I am horrendously incapable of doing the simple fact of not only pushing myself, but not pushing myself back. I want to rip this knot in my stomach out. It needs to leave me alone.

Other people have their own fucking lives that I do not control and I have no say over, why do I get so upset over the little things?

Why do I have to like people, and then waste my time worrying over stupid little things? It drives everyone away. I'm that horrid person that doesn't let you leave the house or talk to other people because I'm afraid something might happen to you, or I'm afraid you might do something, and I just can't trust you or Chance to fucking make me happy. Why am I so hellbent on relying on other people to make or break my mood? I am myself, I am my own man, other people influence but do not dictate my smile so why do people dictate my frown, dictate this knot, dictate the racing thoughts "What if he dies, what if he fucks, what if he does this." I mean, fuck, we've never met, we're not dating, hell we hardly even know each other and I get so stupidly broken over anyone having a life or friends that doesn't involve me and me.

I shouldn't let myself do this to me. I'm tired of beating myself up and bleeding over things I can't change. I need to get up, outta my own way, make room for me and make room for you to be you. There's no leash in site, you don't own me and I don't own you, it's unreasonable of me to ask you to change who you are to suit me.

This is why I'll die alone.

"I am not the person that I thought that I would be, I keep tripping over myself." Ali For Cody by Senses Fail