"You're the only one who feels so lonely."

I'm pretty terrified, in all honesty. I'm afraid I won't remember how to live, or why I'm living. I'm afraid of saying "Everything's complicated right now, but maybe next year" until there's no more years left. I'm afraid I'll avoid people until there's no one left. I'm afraid that I'll fall for all the wrong people for all the wrong reasons until I don't have any other choice.

I'm afraid of myself.

Vacation's coming up. I'm seeing quite a few people. And I already know how it's going to end. It's going to be so fucking bittersweet and perfectly broken. Yeah the cover's pretty but the pages are torn and tattered. I can't help but feel that the entire thing might be one huge mistake. But I'm going to make it, because I don't have any other fucking choice. There's no turning back now, I just have to deal with damage control. Boy that's fun, right?

I grow incredibly weary of picking up the pieces and trying to start anew. Day in and day out I'm still finding memories and reminders of what I once had and what I've lost, and I've come to learn that I am never getting it back and it can never be replaced. That hole can never be filled. I see these half-forgotten memories in every corner of this fucking room. Even though I've changed everything about it. Even though I've moved my bed, I've moved my desk, I've rearranged some shit, I got rid of the second bed, I cleaned the hell up, I try to stay on top of things instead of letting them pile up because I'm so fucking lazy. I still leave a bottle of water with a little left over because I always felt like an asshole for finishing them. I always listen to the songs you used to play on YouTube. I need to get out and go on, move if I have to, burn this place to the fucking ground if I don't have any other choice.

I need to get you out of my head. Off of my bed. Without you around, I feel rather dead. And it's been six fucking months. And I still can't go for anyone else. I can't fall for anyone the way I should. I haven't learned to trust, and I don't want to damage people the way I've damaged everyone else. I don't want to make all the same mistakes over and over again just because of one fucking person ruining my ability to take anyone honestly. If I have a flaw, it's my cynicism. I sincerely apologise for that, it's incredibly unfair to everyone. I don't want to let go.

I'm really fucked up, aren't I?