There has been so much...

I miss you so much Alex. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself. I don't really think anyone understands it when I say it's my fault. Out of over seven billion people, I was the only person you trusted with the information. I pushed it aside. I ignored the facts. I was stupid. I fucked up. Now you're gone. And I'll never get a chance to love you like I know I could. Never get a chance to say all the things I wanted to, to come visit you, to be as good of a friend as I know I could. And I've just been hell since you've gone.

It wasn't that bad at first. Sure, I walked nearly 7 miles in a t-shirt and it was pretty chilly. I don't think I could have made the walk home. Lucky me got a ride. But that's ok. I was too numb inside to feel the chill outside. It didn't hurt as bad. It was just an empty hole in my stomach.

But a week and a half later, it's still there. I can't sleep well. I can hardly eat. I know what Dillon would say; it's what he said over a year ago. "There's no reason for anyone to look that dead. What's wrong?"

I wish I still had the friends I once had. I was so close to everyone. And I pushed them all away. School left and I pushed everyone away. I regret it so much. I've only seen my old buddies a few times. I spend too much time shut in. With myself. Hiding from the world because I'm too afraid to step outside and let the world in. The world hurts.

I'm rambling. This is probably the most I've rambled in a long time. And it's probably just the vodka speaking. I can't function without a drink. Or a pill. I'm falling back on old habits. I need someone in my life. But I know that if I let anyone in I'll just push them away like I always have and always will.

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought of suicide. So I'm not going to lie, but I'm going to tell you. Every day. I can't get it to leave my mind. I already tried, ended up just vomiting and laying on my bathroom floor for an hour or so before I could stand and semi-function. Stupid bodily functions.

I tried telling someone I was unhappy earlier. They said I should go someplace. I told them going places didn't interest me. Actually, I said nothing really interested me. They told me to kill myself. Great friends I have, right? They didn't really mean it. Said I had a cute smile and hated seeing my sad. Better to be dead and nothing than alive and sad, I guess? I don't understand the way some people think.

I miss you Alex. I miss you so much. I want you back. I regret every breath I take, knowing I could have saved you with just a phone call. I wish I knew why you did it. I don't think it would make me feel any better, but I'd still like to know.

"As much as I feel sad, I think that not knowing is what really bothers me." Charlie from The Perks of Being A Wallflower