Feelings

Yeah, I'm a dirty rotten liar. I said time, now we're talking about feelings and emotions. I tried doing Time, I promise you. I just couldn't come up with anything, so here's what I was able to type before burning out:

"Time is to blame for most everything. Time heals, time hurts, time does everything. As time goes on we're more likely to forget things, move on, forgive, cope better, etcetera. It heals. Time also kills people, breaks buildings, wears things out, and takes things from us. It hurts."

Told you it was insanely weak. I was going to write about how time is the greatest healer and the biggest murderer, about how we should blame time, but what point is there? That's not the way I look at time. I don't really believe in time, just existence. Memories, the happening, and what is yet to come. That's just the way I see it, take no stock in my beliefs.

Though I guess in explaining why I strayed I achieved the original goal of talking about time and then further strayed from my intended subject, so insert a lovely /tangent here.

I'm going to talk about those notoriously-unpredictable and obnoxious things called feelings (see also: emotions). Feelings and emotions drive us; they define what we do to an extent. If we like it, i.e. have feelings for it, we're more likely to do it. If we dislike, i.e. have no/negative feelings for it, we'll be more apprehensive/unwilling to do it. That's just part of it. Feelings decide not only what we're willing to do but how we act. If we like someone, there's probably a higher chance you'll be nice to them, and vice-versa (I'm getting tired of redundantly restating myself).

Lemme start a tangent again and say to ignore any obvious grammatical answers, I'm dead-tired, I just need to get this off my chest. Okay, back to the topic!

Feelings are the downfall of us all. I can't tell you how many times my own personal feelings have ended up fucking things up, especially of late. As I said in Fresh Snow, I've had people walking out of my life on a near-daily basis for over a week now. I count about six people. I'll give the first letter of their first name. K, D, D, W, T, and Z. Maybe more, those are just the five that have announced they're leaving. Why? Because I developed feelings for them and let them develop feelings for me, and then got involved with someone (T, but not the one I mentioned above).

I can't tell what bugs me more. The fact that I let them develop feelings, the fact that I let myself develop feelings, or the fact that they can't accept competition from someone I can actually form a relationship with? Ah well, doesn't matter. Feelings destroy just as much as time. I now find myself down six previously-frequently spoken to contacts. Everyone has an irreplaceable spot in your life, a hole that will never again be filled when they inevitably leave you. It's hard to give an analogy, but I hope you get the meaning of that last phrase. Every person is a part of you, how many support beams can you take out of a skyscraper before it's like the Twin Towers?

Okay okay, the analogy sucked, no attacks please. The fact of the matter is, no one can truly be without another. I guess that under certain circumstances it would be technically feasible to be completely, truly alone, but one of our most core and desired built-in values is that of companionship, be it a pet, friend, lover, or whatever. And our feelings help dictate who we want to build that fatal link of companionship with. And nine times out of ten that link breaks and we've got this big, gaping bullet hole in our heart, the shot fired from the one we got close to without thinking of the unintended side-effects.

Maybe I just have a bad experience with feelings. Maybe I look at them the wrong way. All I know is, most people aren't worth it, and the ones that look like they are usually aren't either. I'm slowly watching the ones that were never worth a second of my time leave, but I can't help but feel lonely about the whole thing. Who knows how many more are to come? I pose too many questions; this is supposed to be about how I see. I don't know how many more are going to come (well, I guess I should say 'go'), and I don't really want to. Those that matter I'm keeping close, and when they don't want me close then I guess it's just a fact of life that I have yet to accept. I'm just getting sick of people leaving holes in me. I'm not Swiss cheese.

We'll see what you get next time, you non-existent reader you.

"I can't stand on my own feet now - I can't crawl forever and a day. Felt like I was getting stronger before you turned and walked away." - Hit The Ground by Zebrahead